Gregory: What is your first name?

Tomas: Tomas.

Gregory: Your age?

Tomas: Twenty-seven years old.

Gregory: Your profession?

Tomas: Translator.

Gregory: Where is your home? Where are you from?

Tomas: I am from Bahίa Blanca, a small city in Argentina.

Gregory: Okay. I’d like you to remember your childhood for the first seven questions.

Tomas: Okay.

Gregory: Any age under eighteen.

Tomas: Sure, sure.

1.

Gregory: What do you know?

Tomas: Ah, I know my friends, I know I like to make more friends, and . . . that’s pretty much everything that was in my mind when I was underaged.

Gregory: Under eighteen?

Tomas: Yeah, under eighteen. For a long while I was very . . . lonely? When I was young, I was very lonely and—

Gregory: Why were you lonely?

Tomas: Maybe it’s not so much that I was lonely, as much as I felt like I was? Um . . . I don’t know, there were certain conversations, certain topics, certain things that I wouldn’t touch with friends . . . such as, like, our economic state, or like how I was doing in school. I would avoid those subjects which made me feel unconnected to my friends. . .

Gregory: Okay, tell me more about it, please.

Tomas: Sure. Uh, I mean, for a long while we lived in a small, we lived in a house that had a problem in it, which made us move to a smaller house while the other one was being repaired, and . . . while that was happening, we eventually got scammed in a sort of way. While we were getting it repaired, in the middle of repairs, they upped the price, so we kicked them out and lived in a house half-repaired. Um . . . we didn’t have a ringer in our house, we didn’t have a bell, anyone who wanted to, like, get in had to call us or send us a text. We lived in a pretty bad shape, our house had a lot of leaks in it whenever it rained, poured everything inside the house. Uh . . . it was pretty ugly, and I usually didn’t talk about any of that with my friends, which made me feel a disconnection.

Gregory: Why didn’t you share that with your friends? Were you ashamed of your situation?

Tomas: Oh, yeah, for sure. It wasn’t anything to brag about, for sure.

Gregory: Hm. Anything else?

Tomas: Um, about my childhood?

Gregory: Yes.

Tomas: Uh, that’s pretty much, uh . . . I was held back a couple of years in my childhood, which was also something I didn’t like to talk about, and made up a huge barrier with my friends . . . uh—

Gregory: Hm, why were you held back at school?

Tomas: The first year, ironically, was probably the most fun because I had made a lot of friends in it, which made me become distracted and not work on my school, uh . . . my schoolwork. And . . . then, I got held back. The second time I got held back—because I got held back three times—uh, I was just depressed, and . . . I felt very sad. I didn’t know it was a possibility for me to become held back, uh . . . and the third time I was like, out, [laughs] I was so depressed. I thought everyone looked down to me, and—

Gregory: How old were you, the third time?

Tomas: [exhales] The third time, I wish I remembered. Um . . . around . . . seventeen? Something like that.

Gregory: Mhm. Why were you depressed?

Tomas: I mean, it was a vicious cycle, because I got held back, that made me feel down. That made me feel like I was under people, uh . . . especially my father, because he’s a very smart man and, I just feel like he was looking over the shoulder at me like he didn’t take me seriously or something was—

Gregory: Your dad?

Tomas: Yeah.

Gregory: Hm, hm. What about your mom?

Tomas: Um, she was never a very . . . fun person to be around. [chuckles] Uh . . . she was . . . my mother . . . how do I express this? Um . . . she wasn’t that smart, anyway, she got held back. She finished high school in her thirties, I think. Um . . . so in that respect, I didn’t quite look up to her. Um . . . so yeah, my mother was violent at times, or absent on the others . . . but that’s about it, so I didn’t care much about what she tells me.

Gregory: Mhm. Were you living with your dad or both of your parents at the time?

Tomas: Both, both. Uh . . . yeah, now I live alone, thankfully, but I used to live with both of my parents until they broke up, but they broke up while I was already an adult, so it didn’t affect me, not as much.

2.

Gregory: Describe what this planet smells like, as a child.

Tomas: Uh, for most of my childhood, it was probably smoke. [laughs] Uh. . .

Gregory: What kind of smoke?

Tomas: Car smoke, cigarette smoke, because my mother smoked and we lived in a small apartment. Uh . . . she would smoke a lot, so the strongest memory of my smell when I was a kid was smoke. The first time I went to a countryside and I smelled, and it smelled like rain . . . that was wonderful. But if I had to use one word, it would probably be smoke.

3.

Gregory: How is it possible to forgive the unforgivable?

Tomas: [short pause] I think since I was a kid uh . . . those things that, from when I was a kid, I still very much still hold a grudge. I think there’s things that aren’t forgivable, basically.

Gregory: For example?

Tomas: Uh, hitting your child, or . . . smoking up a storm in your apartment [chuckles], uh—

Gregory: What do you mean by “smoking up a storm?”

Tomas: Uh, like smoking a lot in a small apartment, filled with the smell . . . you couldn’t run away from it, and you—

Gregory: Were your parents hitting you when you were little?

Tomas: My mother, only when I was very little, uh . . . she would. But she stopped at a point because I became bigger than her, [laughs] uh . . . but yeah, basically, they did hit me, they smoked a lot, but besides that, I used to have a friend. I used to. I don’t have her anymore, and . . . from a very little age, I found out she was raped . . . it changed her, obviously—

Gregory: How old were you when you found out about it?

Tomas: I probably was around . . . sixteen?

Gregory: And was she your age as well?

Tomas: Yeah, but when she was raped, she was actually way younger. I found out later, and . . . it explained a lot of the different things that she . . . she was like, and a lot of things that she couldn’t do anymore in the normal sense. And . . . that I thought it was unforgivable as well.

Gregory: What do you think now?

Tomas: Now, I still think that if I found out who that person was that did it—she knows who it is, but she wouldn’t tell me—uh . . . Even though I’m not her friend anymore, I still would do something about it. Call the cops or expose the person.

4.

Gregory: What makes you happy as a child?

Tomas: What makes me happy? Any sort of out-of-the-house activity where I’m with friends, talking about dumb things that don’t matter, um . . . pretty much anything that’s not in my house. Whenever I would go to school and . . . I leave school, actually, I would walk with my friends to their house before I would go to mine, just to keep talking with them about nonsense that didn’t matter, like video games or movies.

Gregory: Just avoiding coming home, huh?

Tomas: Yeah. [sighs] I feel kinda bad saying it like that because it is like that, but . . . at the same time, I didn’t have bad parents, I don’t think. My father was a good man, my mother, whenever she wanted, was also good, but yeah. That’s basically why I was avoiding coming home.

Gregory: Mhm. And what makes you happy now?

Tomas: I’m still speaking, getting in touch with friends and . . . someone having me in their mind. Even if they send me a meme that they think I would find funny, that’s enough for me to become happy. Just someone having me in their mind.

Gregory: Mhm.

5.

Gregory: Describe a world in which God exists, and a world in which God does not exist.

Tomas: Well, when I was under eighteen, I never thought God existed because my dad is a hardcore atheist. Uh . . . so, I never really knew the possibility of a God. I still don’t. Uh . . . but, basically everything’s grim . . . [laughs] uh, I’m very much a nihilist . . . so, there is angry people, happy people . . . in a world in which God doesn’t exist, in my opinion.

Gregory: What about the world where God exists?

Tomas: Like, if I thought about it?

Gregory: Yes, mhm.

Tomas: Uh, I would like to think there’s an afterlife. That’s probably the most important thing to me. I’m very much scared of death. Death is . . . I began having panic attacks not long ago because of death, and . . . and if God existed and there was actually an afterlife, I would actually love that a lot. [laughs heartily] Uh . . . but yeah, that would be the most important thing for me, a world in which God exists: afterlife. The rest is . . . I don’t think God is in this world so . . . I can’t describe it.

Gregory: Uh-huh, so you think if there was God in this world, there would also be afterlife?

Tomas: Yeah, yeah I do.

Gregory: Mhm. And you’re scared of death so much so that you’re having panic attacks?

Tomas: Yeah, in the beginning of the year, I had a massive panic attack. I thought I was having a heart attack, um . . . and I was rushed to the hospital and it turned out it was a panic attack and I kept thinking about death, a lot, and . . . it wasn’t fun. It wasn’t a fun thought. [laughs lightly] . . . I actually tried taking my own life when I was . . . the second time I got held back in school, I tried taking my own life.

Gregory: How did you try to take your own life?

Tomas: Uh, I grabbed my backpack and I filled it with a lot of heavy stuff . . . It probably wasn’t gonna work, but um . . . I have one of those chairs that recline, and I basically put the backpack around my neck, and let it go, and like, have it choke me out, which . . . could have worked, maybe, but it was taking longer than I would like, so I . . . stopped.

Gregory: How old were you?

Tomas: I was probably around sixteen. Sixteen,fifteen. Uh . . . it put the fear of death in me.

6.

Gregory: What is your most vivid memory? From your childhood?

Tomas: Oh, um . . . yeah, I have one, um . . . I had a group of friends when I was very little, maybe fourteen? . . . Around this time, um . . . they had a backyard that had a small farm, and between all the animals, they had a little pig, and I knew it since it was very little. And . . . eventually, it grew. One day, it was, uh . . . they invited me to a barbeque at their house, and at one point they said, “Hey everyone, climb the tree!” and I was very confused, and . . . basically, I climbed the tree so they, like, they positioned themselves. There was a kind of a circuit in the small farm, and . . . they let the pig go, and the pig started running around in circles. And as it’s running around in circles, they started stabbing it as it passed them . . . it was like a family tradition.

Gregory: Who started stabbing the pig?

Tomas: Oh, sorry, as I climbed the tree with my friends, the family of my friend positioned themselves on either side of the circuit, on the far side, and as the pig ran around in the circle, they stabbed it until the pig eventually, like, couldn’t anymore, and fell on the ground. And I remember vividly that they stabbed it in the neck, but I guess they missed the vital part or something? Because it wasn’t dying quickly, and . . . then, they prepared it to eat, but I remember I left because I wasn’t . . . I didn’t like that [laughs] very much.

7.

Gregory: What will be the kindest thing you do when you’re older? That you thought of as a child?

Tomas: Oh, uh . . . um . . . the kindest thing I’ll do when I’m older, that I thought of as a child . . . I mean, I always liked the idea of giving people money when I was a kid. Uh . . . I always liked the idea of helping someone in need, um . . . that was my main thing, because I liked money when I was kid [laughs], and I thought, “Oh, when I grow up I want to give money away,” because that’s what I would like.

Gregory: Mhm.

_

Gregory: Alright. Please answer the next seven questions from your present-day perspective.

Tomas: Sure.

_

8.

Gregory: What will you carry in your suitcase on the day of departure to another planet (literal or symbolic)?

Tomas: Uh, probably clothes . . . to another planet you said?

Gregory: Mhm.

Tomas: [chuckles] Probably clothes and . . . recently I bought this . . . Oculus Quest. I’d probably carry that, too. Other than that, I don’t think many other things.

Gregory: Any other kind of . . . uh, sentimental item?

Tomas: I don’t really have any sentimental items with me. Uh, I mean, I’m trying to look around and see if I come up with anything, but I don’t really think I have any memento mori.

9.

Gregory: How many lives would you like to live?

Tomas: Oh, um . . . probably around . . . probably as many as I could. If I had to put a limit on it, I’d probably say . . . fifty, let’s say.

Gregory: Five-zero?

Tomas: Yeah, five-zero. Probably. It has to end at some point.

Gregory: Mhm. But fifty will be enough, do you think?

Tomas: I think it’s enough time, yeah. [laughs lightly]

Gregory: Mhm . . . why so many?

Tomas: Because I’d like to live different perspectives . . . maybe if I could choose where I live, live in different places, uh . . . different people, uh . . . start anew . . . And fifty seems short, actually. To me.

Gregory: Let’s say someone else can get a chance to come to this planet and experience life. Would you give away one of those fifty lives?

Tomas: Yeah, yeah I would.

Gregory: Uh-huh. But in which case you wouldn’t? What about five? Would you give away five?

Tomas: Uh, I’d do it because I’m a nice person.

10.

Gregory: What should be forgotten, and what should be remembered?

Tomas: Well, I think remembered . . . probably, most of history of the world. Uh, history forgotten will be repeated, um . . . and, forgotten . . . I don’t think anything should be forgotten. I don’t think anything, even the bad things, it’s like, it’s important, it’s what makes you, you. [pause] I’d like to be remembered just in general how I present myself to my friends, uh . . . and forgotten the things that I wouldn’t talk to them about, like being held back, or my attempted suicide.

Gregory: You want that to be forgotten?

Tomas: Yeah, yeah, probably.

Gregory: Do you want to forget anything yourself?

Tomas: No, not really, no. I don’t find myself in any regrets like that.

11.

Gregory: What would you like to know?

Tomas: Oh . . . many things . . . in my mind recently, uh . . . I used to have a friend, um . . . she was pretty much one of my best friends, and one day, out of the blue, she stopped talking with me, and she was only my friend. I never did anything inappropriate with her, or would do something inappropriate with her, and . . . I never knew why she just stopped talking with me, and I would like to know why . . . if I could grab her attention for enough time. That’s the thing that springs to my mind.

Gregory: How old were you when she stopped talking to you?

Tomas: It was probably last year. [laughs] I was twenty . . . twenty . . . uh . . . yeah, no, it was twenty. It wasn’t recently. I was probably twenty. [laughs]

Gregory: Mhm.

12.

Gregory: Describe yourself to non-human intelligent life.

Tomas: To non-human intelligent life? [laughs] Uh . . . Big. [laughs heartily] Uh, probably like, big and . . . friendly. [laughs] I’d probably just repeat that: big and friendly.

Gregory: Mhm, mhm.

13.

Gregory: What is in the middle between good and evil?

Tomas: [pause]

Gregory: Right in the middle.

Tomas: Yeah . . . between good and evil . . . well, I mean, there’s a gray area, but that’s ground to necessary evils and necessary goods. [pause] Probably . . . death, necessary deaths, um—

Gregory: Necessary deaths?

Tomas: Yeah, like . . . like this person I know that was raped, if I knew who raped her, I’d like him dead. I wouldn’t do it, but I’d like it, and that’s not good or bad in my opinion.

Gregory: Mhm.

14.

Gregory: Where are you coming from, and where are you going?

Tomas: I’m coming from a state of depression, uh, a state of being sad all the time and at being low, and going to a better place.

Gregory: To what place?

Tomas: To a better place. I’m going to make myself a better person.

Gregory: Mhm.

_

A Dream

A kid sits in his room.
The boy dreams fantastic stories;
A world trapped in his mind.
It begins to slip through.