Transcript

 

Gregory: Anthony.

Anthony: Yes. [laughs]

Gregory: Please answer the following seven questions from the perspective of a child.

Anthony: Sure.

1.

Gregory: What do you know?

[Long pause] And take your time, by the way.

Anthony: [laughs]

Gregory: Don’t worry about it.

Anthony: Thank . . . Thank you. [laughs] What do I know . . . as a child . . . That the world is so big. But everything . . . is so small, too. [laughs]

Gregory: In what way?

Anthony: Ah. The way people connect, uh, people . . . In my city, I grew up in San Jose and it’s very multiracial, uh, it’s an international city, uh, so my whole childhood was . . . realizing that the world is so big because there’s so many different types of people but everyone was there. So, it’s like a big scale to little city with everyone in it still. It’s like a big . . . it’s like a . . . a world in a city because there’s every national person. All of my friends were from different countries and . . . So I got to learn so much about different things as a kid, and that’s what made me so interested in . . . everything. Do you understand? [laughs]

Gregory: Uh-huh. Absolutely. Yeah.

Anthony: Yeah.

2.

Gregory: Describe what this planet smells like.

Anthony: [laughs heartily] From . . . the perspective of a child?

Gregory: From a child’s persp . . . Yes. As far as you can remember.

Anthony: Ah. You know that smell when, uh, it rains? And it just drained, and the earth smells like it just got a bath? That’s the smell that I think of. Yeah. The smell of the earth getting a shower. [laughs]

3.

Gregory: How is it possible to forgive the unforgivable?

Anthony: [deeply sighs] Hmm . . . [long pause] Hm. With love. With love and, uh . . . you need to, you can forgive, you can forgive, but it’s better to remember that it happened so you can learn something from the situation. Uh, but you need to have some compassion, and I think me as a child, I definitely had a lot of compassion. I still do. So even if I can’t forgive . . . I can do my best to get as close to forgiveness as I can.

Gregory: Uh, do you remember anything unforgivable that comes to your mind right now?

Anthony: Yeah.

Gregory: From your childhood?

Anthony: Yeah.

Gregory: What was it? Would you share, please?

Anthony: Uhh, I was abused by my sister, uh, verbally. And, uh, physically.

Gregory: Older sister?

Anthony: Yeah. She had a lot of, uh, problems. So recently, she just, recently, she just realized she’s got a lot of mental problems.

Gregory: Mhm.

Anthony: But when we were kids . . . we didn’t really know. So I just thought I was just getting hurt because she’s an evil person.

Gregory: Hm.

Anthony: So it put a lot of perspective on it now, but at the time, it, she said some things and did some things that really hurt. And it was constantly, like every day. It was like every day.

Gregory: Uh, were you . . . forgiving back then?

Anthony: [deeply exhales] Uh . . . Not in my childhood.

Gregory: Not in your childhood.

Anthony: No.

Gregory: Not at any point.

Anthony: In my childhood? There’s points where…your sister, your brother, there’s parts in your life where you, you . . . you know that this person is your family, and you know that this person is, uh, whether or not they’re, uh, working against you sometimes.

Gregory: Mhm.

Anthony: Uh . . . That they’ll work with you sometimes.

Gregory: Mhm.

Anthony: Um . . . so there is points in my life where her and I got together well. We got together pretty good, but then, you know—

Gregory: Even after the—

Anthony: So from the time it happened until now, there’s times when we can get together and have a good time and forget that anything happened.

Gregory: Mhm.

Anthony: But . . . there’s always a reminder that it did happen.

Gregory: Have you spoken with her—

Anthony: Oh yeah.

Gregory: —about it?

Anthony: Yeah. Yeah. And I told her, you know, whatever past we have, you know, that’s . . . that’s . . . Unfortunately, that’s where we are, now, but, I want her to get well, and I think . . . forgiveness is such a . . . It . . . It sounds like a restricting term, because I think you can remember what happened and you can say, like, okay, well I’m not falling for that kind of stuff ever again or whatever. Um, but uh, you still need to care about the person enough to say like, you know, I wanna make sure that you’re gonna be okay, with the rest of your life, and that you’ll be, you know, safe, and healthy.

Gregory: And that’s how you feel about your sister now?

Anthony: Yeah, yeah. So, she did a lot of bad stuff to me, but I don’t want anything bad to happen to her.

Gregory: Did you want it when you were a child?

Anthony: No. I just wanted her to . . . stop being so cruel. [chuckles] Or, you know, she moved out when I was in high school so . . . after she moved out, then it got a little easier because she wasn’t in my space, or I wasn’t in her space. And uh . . . it was easier to deal with her then, but, um, I never wished any harm on, on her.

4.

Gregory: What makes you happy? As a child.

Anthony: Well, I said that I was a screenwriter. When I was a little kid, I would uh, I would create . . . I would take all my toys and I would create these scenes. I would watch movies, and I would take all my toys and I would try to recreate the scenes of movies with my toys. So, Batman might be playing a cowboy, or, you know, like Clint Eastwood or something, or something like that. Or, like um, I don’t know if you’ve seen the movie, like, Tremors. I would make the whole . . . It’s this B-rated movie, but I would make the whole film, cause I had like, trucks and stuff like that, and I would just pretend to make the whole film over again, and that stuff made me happy. Uh, I would draw my own comic books. I would . . . I would paint. I would go outside and get . . . Recreate . . . scenes from films for battles and stuff in the mud. It is so fun. Um, that kind of stuff made me happy when I was a kid. Just being creative in general. Taking something that wasn’t meant for something, and then finding a way to make it something that no one expected.

Gregory: Were you putting your touch to those scenes?

Anthony: Oh yeah, of course. [laughs] Hard not to.

Gregory: [laughs]

Anthony: Yeah, yeah.

Gregory: Okay.

5.

Gregory: Please describe a world in which God exists, and a world in which God does not exist.

Again, from a child’s perspective. As far as you can remember.

Anthony: That’s an interesting question. I grew up in a . . . I grew up in a family where my grandfather was a priest or a pastor, and uh, he . . . Uh, I literally had to grow up in a church for a while until I was like, 9. Until I had to say, like, I’m old enough to not be in the church anymore to be babysat. So I grew up with, uh, Pentecostal, uh, I don’t know if . . . Pentecostal family, and, uh, it was pretty crazy, from my grandpa’s as a priest life, so I saw some crazy stuff and, um, so the thought of . . . The questioning of if God really exists started pretty early, because this all seemed so obscure.

Gregory: Mhm.

Anthony: Um, as a child I always looked at everything as a . . . I always looked at everything and kinda dissected it.

Gregory: Mhm. So you were skeptical about—

Anthony: Everything.

Gregory: —what you were taught?

Anthony: Yeah. Oh, always. Um, and uh, so . . . If, If there was a world where God existed, then there definitely would not be . . . And if God is compassionate God. Who knows what God is like, but, if he exists, but—

Gregory: Well—

Anthony: As far as scripture goes.

Gregory: Uh-huh. But how did it feel to you? Like, what God was, the world with God. Was there compassion?

Anthony: Yeah, of course. There’s, there’s an everlasting compassion and love and, uh, and no harm.

Gregory: Mhm.

Anthony: And there’s . . . happiness.

Gregory: Were you experiencing that world?

Anthony: No, that world doesn’t exist. [laughs]

Gregory: Uh-huh.

Anthony: That world does not exist. That’s—

Gregory: So since that world doesn’t exist, does that, does that mean that there’s no God in that world? Because there’s God in this world, as we have learned.

Anthony: Did we learn that God is in this world? [laughs]

Gregory: Isn’t that . . . what we know—

Anthony: No.

Gregory: —from the teachings of different religions?

Anthony: Teachings are . . . Teachings of different religions are just words on . . . You and I are both writers. We could write . . . We could make our own gods, and do they exist? Maybe in some other dimension, but not here.

Gregory: So there’s no God in this world. This is how it looks when there’s no God?

Anthony: If God existed, I feel like, uh, I have this theory, because I’ve thought about this for a long time. And my theory might sound kinda crazy.

Gregory: And you’re talking now from a—

Anthony: From my adult’s perspective.

Gregory: —adult’s perspective, yes.

Anthony: Sure, um. I’ll answer the child’s one—

Gregory: Let’s go with now, and then we’ll go back to child’s.

Anthony: Okay, so, if, if God ever existed. Then . . . you’ve, you know, the Big Bang and all of that. So what if God was this giant entity, and in order to create everything, he had to die first, thus the Big Bang would be his death, creating us. So, God is dead, but we live, and—

Gregory: Did God intentionally—

Anthony: Die?

Gregory: —uh, sacrifice . . . itself?

Anthony: I don’t think so. I don’t think so. [chuckles] I don’t think so.

Gregory: No?

Anthony: But I do know that as the universe cools, it condenses back again. So, there’s a possibility for a rebirth.

Gregory: Mhm. In a form of, uh, another Big Bang?

Anthony: Another, yeah. Another Big Bang, so everything comes back to God, and then boom. And then got back to God and then boom.

Gregory: So both death and birth have the same, uh, physical—

Anthony: Form.

Gregory: —form—

Anthony: Yeah.

Gregory: —to you?

Anthony: Yeah. Yeah, they do. And uh, then if . . . That’s one idea [chuckles] that’s been on my mind.

Gregory: What’s the other one?

Anthony: The other one is that God’s asleep. And uh, he may have, uh, he’s either asleep or he may have, uh, made us and then forgot us. And then um . . . I heard someone say, like, God knows everything except where he came from.

Gregory: Mm.

Anthony: And uh, if he’s looking for the answer of where he came from and thought maybe it was here and paid so much attention to us at one point. He’s obviously lost attention to us now, and he’s gone somewhere else to find the answer, which he’ll never find.

Gregory: When you say now, how long has it been?

Anthony: Who knows? You mean now as in, like—

Gregory: When you say now—

Anthony: God being asleep now?

Gregory: Yeah.

Anthony: I’m sure as soon as he created the earth and rested seven days or whatever, that seven days is . . . You know, time is relative, and time is also something that we created. Um, so for God, time . . . Seven days could be, you know . . . forever. [laughs] So, he could be resting somewhere, or he could be out somewhere else looking for something. It’s kinda hard to tell, I mean . . . But that’s all scripture, that’s all written stuff that…

Gregory: No but, I’m asking you, not what’s in the scripture.

Anthony: Yeah, right, but that’s all just—

Gregory: Was there a time that God was around, do you think? When we were around? In the history of the world?

Anthony: . . . Maybe. Answering it from a child, I’d say yeah.

Gregory: Yeah.

Anthony: Yeah. But as an adult, I’d say no.

Gregory: What do you think? What do you think as a child? What are those times?

Anthony: [sighs deeply] Well, all the stories in the Bible, I guess.

Gregory: Mm.

Anthony: I mean there’s so many, I mean . . . So many miracles from the past that happened that you don’t see today, that would make you question whether or not . . . It wouldn’t make you question, you wouldn’t question at all. If you saw these miracles, you would say, that must be God. So—

Gregory: So you need a miracle to . . . to believe in God. I mean the—

Anthony: It’s just kind of the—

Gregory: —the message of God.

Anthony: It’s the message of God, yeah.

Gregory: Yeah. So you need a miracle . . . for confirmation that there is love.

Anthony: Well, I don’t think that, because love . . . Without God, we’d still have love.

Gregory: Mhm.

Anthony: I think we still would.

Gregory: Mhm.

Anthony: Our mothers love us, our fathers love us whether or not they’re, you know . . . Our mothers and our fathers would love us whether or not they were good or bad or, or what. You know what I mean? There’s a feeling that you get when you have a child. I don’t have one, but I’ve heard [laughs] that there’s a feeling that you get when you have a child. There’s just like this, this love that you feel that . . . And even if there was no God, it would still be there.

7.

Gregory: Anthony, what will be the kindest thing you do when you’re older?

Anthony: The kindest thing?

Gregory: That you thought of as a child.

Anthony: Mm. I think that’s the same thing that I think of doing now, from when I was a kid, and that’s just to, uh, help everyone that needs it, if I can.

Gregory: Anything specific you thought of, do you remember?

Anthony: For helping?

Gregory: Yeah. Specific way?

Anthony: Like I said I grew up with my grandfather as a priest, and I watched him help people just by talking to them, or . . . He literally would take me with him to bring groceries to poor people, uh, around the neighborhood. This was in the east side of San Jose, like White Road, and it’s pretty impoverished, it’s pretty . . . It’s pretty bad out there, and it still is. And uh, you know, we would go with a car full of groceries and just go and deliver them to people, and then we would go to their house and see how they’re living and spend time with them . . . And talk to them, and my grandfather would talk to them about their, you know, their life, and if . . . You know, spiritual guidance or otherwise, a pastor is no more than a therapist. [chuckles]

Gregory: True.

Anthony: So, I . . . I really respect him for that, and uh, and I didn’t want to take over a church. He always wanted me to be a priest or a pastor, and uh—

Gregory: You were not so supportive of . . . of the system, the—

Anthony: No, I don’t think so, but—

Gregory: But you were supportive of him.

Anthony: Yes, of course, because he helped people. And there’s something about that, whether there’s a God or not, that . . . We should all be that way, and uh, I feel like . . . I felt then and I felt now that, you know, everyone should be helpful, uh, and lend an ear or whatever we can lend, to help people not feel pain. Cause life is pain. [chuckles]

Gregory: Even though it comes from a doctrine that you’re not necessarily supportive of?

Anthony: Right. I mean, every doctrine says we should help, shouldn’t . . . Most doctrines—

Gregory: But there are other things too, though, right?

Anthony: Sure. Yeah, there’s always . . . Things, but, in general, I feel like every religion has that . . . Uh, that message of being compassionate to your people. And I think uh . . . If I could change it, then the world would be just one . . . people. [chuckles]

Gregory: So as a child, do you think that religion is good, mostly, or not so good?

Anthony: I think religion’s a good way to, uh, teach people to be compassionate towards others, however, I think that it’s bad because it’s . . . It kinda segregates people, um, it kinda segregates people but . . . We shouldn’t be separate, we should all be together, you know. My perspective probably was that, uh, that Christianity was needed. As a child, like, you know, I questioned it, but it was the only thing I knew. I wasn’t taught any other religion or about any other religion until later.

Gregory: Mm.

Anthony: Um . . . My first Asian friend that was Buddhist was like, when I was eleven. So I mean, the mind… As a child, the mind . . . By the time you’re eleven, you’re a little more cognitive about how things go.

Gregory: Your surroundings?

Anthony: Yeah. So, you could learn things, but yeah, I didn’t really learn about other religions until much later, um, and . . . there is always a resistance when you first hear these things—

Gregory: Of course, of course. There’s fear—

Anthony: Right, but I was the kid that was always curious about knowledge. So to me, yeah, I wanted to know everything before I, before I made a judgment, [chuckles] and I’m still that way.

Gregory: Mhm, mhm.

–

Gregory: Anthony, please answer the next seven questions from your perspective today.

Anthony: Sure. I’ve done a lot of that already (laughs), but okay.

Gregory: [laughs] True, true.

Anthony: Yeah. Let’s hit ‘em.

–

8.

Gregory: How many lives would you like to live, and why?

Anthony: Oh . . . That is a good question . . . It would be kinda greedy to say I wanted more than just one, right? But, If I could have one that never . . . If I could never age, if I could be this age forever until the earth is gone, uh, I would rather just take this one and have that, but I guess . . . what would I really learn unless I lived another life in someone else’s shoes. So . . . I don’t know. I’m happy with just this one, but I’ve . . . I’ve heard that, I’ve heard in Buddhism that the female . . . The life of a woman is the last step before enlightenment. Uh, so, we as men, um, we kinda take, we take a lot, and, uh, women are so selfless. They give . . . Their whole life is giving to their family, their kids, their husband, and they don’t have much for themselves to take, and uh, it’s kind of like the final test for a human, or life being, until they reach enlightenment, and then there is no more coming back. So . . . If I could have another life and it would be a female, uh, so I could get to enlightenment and see what that top tier is, that would be interesting.

Gregory: Does that mean that all females were males in their past lives?

Anthony: Yes, it has to if that’s, if the Buddhism . . . If that’s what it is, then yeah. But who knows, you could’ve skipped some stuff, you could’ve been, maybe you upgraded from a caterpillar to a . . . [laughs] to a dog, to a human, or something, right? But it’s all a test.

9.

Gregory: What should be forgotten, and what should be remembered?

Anthony: Mm. We should remember, uh, everything that made us happy. And, uh, we should remember the times that were hard . . . Because, then we’ll remember not to get in those situations again, or, how to avoid them, or, um, there’s always something to learn from mistakes, right? Um, but forgetting what to forget, that’s . . . that’s different. That’s . . . I’m not sure. I’m not sure how to answer that one because . . . Like I said, bad things . . . We should remember some of the bad stuff so we could know how to move forward and not have those things happen or—

Gregory: Have you forgotten anything from the past?

Anthony: I’m sure I . . . I’m sure I have.

Gregory: Intentionally?

Anthony: No.

Gregory: Do you wish you had forgotten anything intentionally?

Anthony: No. If I . . . I’m a writer. [laughs] Without that I would have nothing to write about. I would have nothing to key into, I would have nothing to . . . to teach someone about.

Gregory: Mhm.

Anthony: So, I need . . . I need those memories, even if they hurt.

11.

Gregory: What is your most vivid childhood memory?

Anthony: Hm. [long pause] I . . . can’t remember. [laughs] There’re so many memories, but the most vivid . . . [breathes in deeply] Okay, so, when my grandfather would be taking care of me, my mom would pick me up, take me home . . . And then my mom would go to work, go back to work. My dad would be home, he would come home. And uh, he was so dead tired, that he would fall asleep on the couch, and I would sneak behind him between the couch and him, and I would go to sleep behind him, like sandwiched between the couch back and him, and that’s . . . that’s a vivid memory. Just to be close, cause I didn’t really get to hang out with my dad too much cause he worked, a lot. He had to wake up at like 3 in the morning and work til like 5 p.m., every day. So, when he came home, he was just tired, so that’s . . . The most of the interaction that I really had with him was sleeping behind him between the couch and him. [chuckles] So that’s what I remember.

12.

Gregory: What would you take with you if you had to leave and never return?

Anthony: [pause] My memories.

Gregory: All of them?

Anthony: Yeah. As I said, I need them. [chuckles] They’re tools for helping people and myself, and for my creative outlet. I need them. Everything else can be gone and lost, all my possessions. I’ll get new possessions, doesn’t matter. You know, when we die, we don’t get to take it with us, so what’s the point of having it now even?

13.

Gregory: What is in the middle between good and evil?

Anthony: Hm . . . sometimes, there’s necessary evil. I mean, if we think of animals, they need to eat other animals, and some people might think a lion is evil because it kills the elk or the antelope or whatever, right? Um… and to the lion, especially their babies, they think, uh, you know, my father is bringing us food, he’s good. So . . . I guess the only thing between it is perspective.

14.

Gregory: Anthony.

Anthony: Yes.

Gregory: What makes you happy?

Anthony: A good story. [laughs] Something that teaches us . . . Something that teaches us how to progress our lives and our, uh, future selves in a positive way . . . Yeah.

_

Metamorphosis

We walk shapeless
Through the changing world.
Form yourself with care,
And remember your footprints.