Gregory: What is your first name?

Fernando: My name is Fernando.

Gregory: Your age?

Fernando: I am twenty-seven years old.

Gregory: Your profession?

Fernando: Mm, I’d say I . . . many things. I manage educational programs, and also, I’m a teacher and a recruiter sometimes.

Gregory: Hm. Where is your home? Where are you from?

Fernando: I am from Lima, in Peru.

Gregory: Okay. I’d like you to remember your childhood for the first seven questions, Fernando. Any age under eighteen.

Fernando: Okay.

1.

Gregory: What do you know?

Fernando: I know I have to wake up really early . . . and that I shouldn’t go to bed really late . . . and I know I need to . . . I should behave, and . . . yeah, I’m waiting for my parents to come home. I think that’s what I know. [chuckles]

Gregory: What about in the later years, your teenage years?

Fernando: Mhm. I know . . . I could be whatever I wanted to be and that my parents are going to always encourage that, but I think . . . um . . . they want me to take a safe road and . . . and that doesn’t mean I’m going to in the end choose what I want to be, so I need to find a balance on what I’m supposed to be, and what I could be.

Gregory: And what were you supposed to be?

Fernando: Somebody in business, managing a company, um, in a big corporation. They wanted me to be . . . to find a safe profession, um . . . they, basically, not be an artist, but I’ve always been in the artistic world since I was a kid.

Gregory: In what way, Fernando?

Fernando: Since I was a kid, I always wanted to be famous [laughs], or be a celebrity. Sometimes I would imagine . . . and that would happen. Some talent recruiters would go to school and find, like, the most attractive kids to be in commercials. I was never picked [short laugh] and I didn’t fit the standard. But, um . . . I knew that I had to then find my way through my brain and my intelligence because my looks were not gonna be enough, um . . . and I wanted to be . . . I wanted to be an actor, maybe also a singer . . . but that was not safe, so there was always . . . “If you wanna do that, you need to do it as a hobby, but you have to have good marks, because the world is already established in a way and we, as your parents, know what is gonna be best for you, so you, as a kid, you don’t know that yet, so, just follow the advice, it’s gonna be good for you in the end.”

Gregory: And did you, uh . . . pursue any creative avenues despite your parent’s stance on this?

Fernando: Yes. Well, I first . . . I remember when I had to pick out my career, I decided to choose biology, and at the same time, I wanted to do, um, graphic design. And those were two different schools, so I applied to both, and I got into both, and . . . but my parents were more like “This graphic school is actually . . . ” um . . . I don’t want to say . . . Bohemian? Maybe? Like, it’s full of . . . “It’s not really graphic design, like, it’s full of painters and um, people who do sculptures so that university might not be um, very . . . aligned to science, so you should go to the other one, and that’s gonna be better because we know that you have good grades in science, so you should go with your brain. You’re good at math. You’re good at these things, so do that.” But, um . . . and I did, I went to biology for a year and a half, and then I asked, can I go back to the other university that I actually got in? But I couldn’t go to art again, because that was only, like, one time a year that I could apply—

Gregory: Hm.

Fernando: So they asked me like, “You could go through the humanities um . . . faculty?” So, I went into . . . and I remember picking out through a list. What can I choose right now? And I chose literature, and I . . . and then I got in there, and then it was like, the moment of me getting out of science and accepting literature. Um . . . but then, I had the opportunity to travel abroad, and . . . be alone, finally, [chuckles] and study in . . . I studied in London and it was full of art, and people studying, and it was full of museums. It was very, very different than what I imagined that I could achieve. And I think that through that idea, for my parents, like “Oh, you’re doing something that Europeans are doing as well, so that might work out.”

Gregory: Mhm.

Fernando: And I chose that road in the end, like, yes, at least I want to have some years where I can explore. And then I got my degree in literature. But then I came back to . . . I came back home, um, because I didn’t wanna stay there. I was like, I wanna go and teach a lot of people back home. And I came here and became a teacher, and now I teach . . . I also teach biology sometimes, but I tutor, I mentor kids, and I teach them literature. I go with them . . . Also tutoring, if they’re doing home-schooling. A lot of essays. And I think that on the side, I would still want to become, um . . . an artist? But not in a way of me showing, like, I can be an actor. But when I was in university, I discovered my passion to control the stories of what happened to characters, that’s why . . . I got into . . . I wanted to write about a lot of characters. Many, many different characters and find voices for them, so I went into . . . kind of screenwriting. Now, I haven’t done any production, but that’s where I would say I enclose all my artistic things that maybe got frustrated in my past.

2.

Gregory: Describe what this planet smells like.

Fernando: [pause] I would say ground, but not necessarily earth or soil, but . . . I remember always lying down on floors . . . [short laugh] and the smell of flooring? That’s something that . . . it sticks with me, and that’s what I think it’s . . . like, I can find that smell everywhere: of a floor with a little bit of dust, and . . . but it’s still kind of clean, uh, but it smells like dirt, but a friendly ground and dirt. One where you can lie down instead of being in the grass. There was not many parks around my home or anything like that, so I would just lay down in floors. Um . . . I don’t know why I have this image of, uh, fresh paint? Because I grew up in a house that was constantly getting remodeled—

Gregory: Uh-huh.

Fernando: Painted, and . . . then I moved to a building that was full of other builders and constructions. So, that’s what it smells a lot like, fresh paint, soil, like that but on a floor; not much nature.  I would have to go and look for it, but what I remember, how this planet smells like: like construction, a lot of constructions.

3.

Gregory: How is it possible to forgive the unforgivable?

Fernando: Mm [pause] I think . . . forgetting it, or growing up. As a kid?

Gregory: Hm.

Fernando: I was told that . . . I will not remember much of my childhood. That . . . that . . . a lot of things happen when you’re a kid, and you’re just growing up and you forget. So if you lose a friend when you’re a kid, it’s fine. You’re gonna find new friends. So, for me, the unforgivable was more like something I learned more as an adult, but I was told to always forgive everybody. So I think that . . . the idea that I will someday forget about that, that’s what allowed me to say, “okay, then, this is a way of forgiving it.” But I don’t think I understood the concept of what was actually unforgivable when I was a kid.

Gregory: Uh, did you encounter anything unforgivable as a child? Or someone close to you that encountered something unforgivable?

Fernando: Mm . . . yes! [chuckles] I think, like many other people, but I was part of . . . this, um . . . this kind of kid at school that would not be popular, and would be sometimes bullied, and . . . I guess . . . yes. When I was a kid, I did have, like, a blacklist? In my mind. Like, these people from school that were older than me, and like were . . . um, only because I liked to dance, they were saying that “Oh, you’re a woman” and “You’re a homosexual” and “Let’s get other people and go and kick him on the ground,” and they were always threatening me—

Gregory: How old were you?

Fernando: Mm, thirteen? Fourteen?

Gregory: Hm.

Fernando: Yeah, I was thirteen, fourteen years old. And . . . but then, there was something that parents or maybe adults say that, uh . . . “That person that bothers you when you’re a kid, you are going to be their boss someday.” So, I think I had that, like, maybe it’s not that I will get vengeance? But . . . life will find a balance someday. And if I promised, if I behaved good and I tolerate, like, if I accept um . . . yeah, if I accept him, I could say, if I become somebody that can’t bare that, then I will not need to forgive someday. I will just be . . . powerful and strong enough to overcome anything, I guess. So, I think that’s what I hold on to when I was a kid.

Gregory: That’s what helped you go through all that?

Fernando: Yes, yes.

Gregory: And do you think what they told you is true?

Fernando: [pause] I think it’s a good way. Because I don’t know what I could tell a kid. I hope someday I could . . . be able to have an answer and say . . . maybe what I would’ve liked to hear? I think I wanted support, and to let me know that what is happening to you is actually not okay. Like, that’s something I learned as an adult. Like, wow, I shouldn’t have been treated like that. And if a school allows that kind of behavior . . . and it was not only students, it was also teachers, I don’t think teachers protected people at my school. They would, um . . . they would always prefer the people that were the loudest, the bravest, um . . . yes, I did feel bullied as well by my physical education teacher, um, there was this um . . . dodge ball?

Gregory: Mhm, mhm.

Fernando: Right? Dodge ball? Yeah, if he knew, like, people were . . . There were many people—I was not the only one bullied—if he knew what the power he could give to somebody that wants to hurt other kids, why would you encourage us to play dodge ball? And if I was not hit, I would get a good grade. And if I was hit, I needed to . . . to resist, to be okay with it, because I’m a boy, and “You should do it!” and “Boys kick each other because they’re boys!” That was like . . . I didn’t like that, and in the moment, I was like, I don’t know how to complain, or to . . . to say, you are wrong and I’m right. Because I was just a kid . . . I think they wanted to toughen us up. Um . . . when I remember, um . . . if you fall down, um . . . the teacher would come and be like, “Don’t cry! Don’t cry, shake it off, go!”

Gregory: Hm.

Fernando: “Don’t cry, shake it off!” and then, my dad would do the same. If he saw me maybe in a kid’s party, birthday party, and that happened, then, “Shh. Don’t cry, you’re a man. Go! Shake it off.” And . . . I think that toughened me up in the end. That’s what’s frustrating because those things that I know were not the right way to live or that kind of environment for a kid . . . kids are supposed to have fun! Not to be afraid the whole time to go to school. Not being afraid of . . . what your dad is going to tell you. I think that it was designed by people that . . . were probably hurt in worse ways when they were little? Like, I think society’s becoming . . . I guess I have the idea that it’s at least becoming less dangerous? It might not be that way, but . . . people now, like, kids now know when something is not right, and they will shout it, and they will go and complain. There is people protecting . . . there is a term “bullying.” Back then, there was not that term. That didn’t exist. They were like “playing” with you. So, if you wanna play with boys, you need to learn the rules with boys. And I think, yes, that toughened me up, that prepared me. . . but, I wouldn’t repeat it. Like, I wouldn’t want that for kids to . . . to toughen up that way . . . I think that . . . the people that designed this, they were . . . maybe it came from a good place. They were like, “I know what this kid is going to go through when he grows up, so it’s better for him to suffer now so he can toughen up.” That’s some logic, that makes sense, maybe, for them.

Gregory: Hm.

Fernando: But, is that the only way? If somebody learns to overcome obstacles, that becomes . . . that person’s gonna be more successful than somebody that lived in a very happy place and learned these things maybe later in life? I don’t know. I do know that . . . that, um . . . that luckily, I found a really good group of friends when I was . . . when I became of age, that did go through all that as well. So, that made me okay, that made me feel less alone. But I don’t think that’s the right path. Why would you find happiness through feeling that, oh, we all suffered the same? It’s very negative [short laugh] and . . . I don’t want that for my kids, if I have them someday, um . . . Yes, I want them to toughen up, yes! But when they are ready. When they want to toughen up. There are ways in life, you as an adult that you’ll find ways to toughen up. I don’t think that through sports is a right way. Especially when the sports are . . . um, designed for your gender. So, if you wanna play, uh, football, that’s okay, because you’re a boy. But you play with boys. I actually enjoyed playing football with girls because they were really nice [laughs] and it was funnier. It was easier for me to play them. They were . . . they just wanted to play. They didn’t want to . . . kick the ball so it can hit me, and then laugh about it, no, they didn’t want that.

4.

Gregory: What makes you happy?

Fernando: [pause] Mm . . . choosing what I wanted to eat. That was something that you normally don’t choose when you were a kid. Especially if you go to school every day, and you get a lunch box, but . . . if it was a weekend, and . . . my parents were in a good mood [chuckles], I would choose what to eat. So, I guess that would, that made me happy. A lot. Thinking that . . . if I behave, I may get a chance to . . . eat greasy food, which is bad for me because I’m a kid in development, but . . . if I do it right, I’m gonna get it. So, that’s what made me happy.

Gregory: Anything else?

Fernando: Mm. [pause] When something . . . yes, what made me happy is that . . . I found pleasure in things that were . . . um, okay for my parents to . . . “Okay, he’s doing . . . ” So, for example, people in my school, they were obsessed with video games. All the time playing video games, video games. They wanna go home and just be there playing video games. And when I asked for a . . . “Hey, can I have a PlayStation, because everybody has one?” I remember my mom telling me: “Okay, but we need to speak with your dad. And if you don’t behave properly, and if you don’t do your homework, he’s going to get upset, and he’s gonna get really angry. So do you really wanna have a PlayStation right now? Are you going to keep studying? Are you going to do all that?” And, I guess that was a little bit . . . manipulation? But that’s how I decided to, okay, it’s better not to ask for new things then. I will . . . read. And I discovered books. So, what made me happy was that I could go . . . be home, ride back from school, pick up a book, read it, and my parents would be like, hm, he’s a good kid, he’s reading. So, I think that’s what made me happy. Finding pleasure in things that are smart for my parents, that are gonna be okay, that I’m not gonna be taken as, oh, he’s being playful, or he’s being lazy.

Gregory: So, pleasing your parents was something important for you as a kid.

Fernando: Yes, because . . . I really liked being alone. Like, when my parents would go and leave me in the house, I’ll be like, [sigh] finally! [laughs] I can play a lot of hours and do nothing, and they won’t have evidence! They won’t know that I didn’t do anything. So, that what made me happy, sometimes, is that my parents were really busy. They would work a lot, and they got divorced when I was a really . . . like, four years old, so my mom would be like “I need to provide,” and she was super brave to do that, but I didn’t spend many, many times alone, and those moments . . . I guess I’d heard from other people that do not like being alone. My friends, they didn’t like that. But I actually did enjoy it. So what made me happy was to . . . be at peace and have options; be able to walk around my house and see nobody. Um . . . that, for me, that’s what made me happy. Yes.

5.

Gregory: Describe a world in which God exists, and a world in which God does not exist.

Fernando: A world where God exists, hmm . . . it’s a world with . . . a lot of answers, I guess. People would be like, you’ll go to heaven if you’re a good kid, you go to hell if you’re not a good kid. If you do something wrong, there’s always forgiveness, you can do that. And then you can be . . . and then there is a list of sins. I grew up in Christianity, in Catholicism, so that’s the idea of God that I have, but, um . . . and then, I would imagine like, uh . . . they would always tell me: “God sends you . . . um, puts you in moments that are necessary for you, and they know how much you can handle.” So, a world with God is . . . I think it’s a world with people that believe that there is always, um . . . that there’s always an answer for everything. Um . . . yes, this is a difficult question. [short laugh] Then, also as a kid, I would . . . I was told that God was everywhere. So, I literally imagined that there were a lot of clones of God, or like a personification of It, everywhere in every spot, and that if I was walking, I was walking through Gods. Or God in a different way. So that’s what I imagined when I was a kid. That I was being watched, that I was always being judged, maybe. I didn’t know that maybe that was a term that I felt as a kid, but now I observed. If my parents were not home, God was always watching, right? You don’t have to tell the truth, but God knows the truth. So it was always . . . that’s the world that I imagined. Somebody that knows all the answers, that knows everything that you are thinking as well. And it’s . . . in every mind.

Gregory: And did you think about a world where God does not exist?

Fernando: I think people would not put excuses to everything. They would . . . um . . . they would live up for the consequences. For example, if there is no God, there is no . . . systematic way of getting . . . of confessing your sins, and getting that, okay, I just did it, and now I can . . . I am a new person. There’s no way that you can do that. So, for me always, that religious idea that there is something there, with rules and a systematic church and all that, gives you the opportunity for people to, um . . . do something and then take it back. So, a world with no God is a world with no excuses. Everything is gonna have a consequence and . . . just, maybe a lot of people . . . I think people will, I still find, um. . . questions about what’s out there? So maybe science could be more valuable in that world? But, um . . . yeah, it’s a world without people having excuses.

Gregory: And how old were you when you thought of this?

Fernando: My first communion. This was ten, ten, eleven years old, I remember, and. . . yeah, and my dad would be like, “You just got communion, you cannot commit any sin, you shouldn’t do anything.” And I would be like, “But . . . ”And he would be like, “No! You’re lying, you’re having these thoughts!” So, everything was a sin when I was a kid. So I think that I was constantly thinking about what you could do, or what you shouldn’t do, but I didn’t see that example from my parents or from anybody, like, not even from my religion teacher back at school. It was really . . . really like, okay, so now I need to . . . pray, but . . . I don’t want to. So . . . I think I did my first communion because they told me to. Then, for my Confirmation, I decided not to do it. I had to go to my Confirmation lessons, and . . . my sister, she had confirmed the year before, so she was like a . . . I don’t know the term, but like a leader of these little groups of kids that were preparing, so she would be like a counsel, something like that.

Gregory: Mhm, mhm.

Fernando: And so she had a really good relationship with the church, and . . . and I would be like, oh, okay, now I’m the brother, so I have to also have a really good relationship. But, um . . . I started a relationship with another boy from my school, and that gave a lot of consequences at school, and also in the Confirmation program, and I was kicked out when they found out.

Gregory: You were about . . . how old?

Fernando: Fifteen.

Gregory: Fifteen.

Fernando: Fifteen, sixteen, but I was really . . . if God loves us all, then this is okay. And some other leaders inside that congregation, that group of people, I knew they were gay, I knew. I knew that. Like, that was well-known, so for me it was like, oh, okay then. It’s gonna be okay for me, right, if I do this? But, um . . . but it wasn’t. Because my . . . best friend at that moment from that person I was dating, I guess he was jealous or something? And he told the headmaster and the headmaster contacted the church, and then suddenly, this priest came to me and told me that I was putting demons in my boyfriend’s head, and he didn’t wanna be a homosexual. That I was the one doing all that stuff. That . . . I was trying to indoctrinate him. So, I should please leave the church, and that I should also leave my school. I didn’t in the end, of course. I didn’t. But that was the moment that I felt like the people that are in here, that I know they are gay, do you know about them? And this priest told me: “Yes, I know, but they don’t shout it out loud. They are not proud of it, like, they just keep it to themselves.” And I was like . . . just because I’m honest about it, then I’m a threat. And . . . I maybe cried for a few hours, but then I was like, I don’t need this. Maybe . . . then this is not the answer. This is not okay. Especially, because when that happened, my sister left the church. My leader, my guide from that program, also left. Everybody started leaving the church—

Gregory: In support of your decision?

Fernando: In support of my decision! And the next year, this priest was, um . . . not charged, but I don’t know what happened in the end . . . of abusing a kid. A boy, a kid. Back in the day, and he was, like, enclosed in the church and I didn’t know anything about him anymore. And that moment I was like, so I’ve been feeling bad from somebody that was the baddest! [chuckles] That was really evil. Then . . . what’s the point? If this happens here, it’s gonna happen everywhere. And that’s when I started learning more about . . . all the terrors behind church and abuse, and I discovered that many, many . . . through the years, more trauma, more things were unveiled, that made me believe that, hmm . . . maybe there is a God, but not in this world. It cannot be here. And if it’s here, if it’s in this world, it’s being used for something else. It’s being used for power, for control, for, um . . . getting what you want . . . and for abuse.

6.

Gregory: What is your most vivid memory?

Fernando: What comes to my mind is going to Blockbuster [chuckles] every Friday, and picking up . . . any VHS. And something that I will always pick will be . . . Free Willy, the first one, and I think I’ve seen it so many times. I don’t know why I remember a lot of me watching different films, a lot of VHS, then . . . one of my most vivid memories is that I really liked recording soundtracks from the VHS’s, and I would have a radio with a cassette, and I would spend the whole day, [chuckles] um . . . watching the movie over and over, recording all the audio, so I can then listen to the music when I was not allowed to watch TV. So that’s one of my most vivid memories.

Gregory: What is the most . . . beloved soundtrack you remember recording?

Fernando: Uh, Lion King! [chuckles] Lion King. It would be Lion King. I remember that a lot. Um . . . yes, and also I would record the . . . the dance presentation at school. They would give me the VHS of all the presentations and I would watch it, and then record each song, so I could then . . . dance it [chuckles] in my house, um, or in my room, alone, remembering that show that I saw from the adults. Because, normally, when I was in elementary school, the high-schoolers would be the ones doing all these big shows, and I would get the VHS and then record a song, and then I could hear and perform it in my house.

Gregory: Mhm. And, uh, have you tried performing in front of an audience ever?

Fernando: Relating to the most vivid memory, I remember a lot that my grandma—she passed away many, many years ago—that back then, my grandma would be . . . the one that would allow me or encourage me to perform in her living room. And I was obsessed with Shakira [chuckles] and her concerts, and I had this VHS of Shakira’s concert, live concert, and I would replicate the whole show in the living room, and my grandma would put the chairs around so I can jump and be like, “Next song, new outfit!” and all that. So, I think that’s the most I have performed in my life, for my grandma. [chuckles]

7.

Gregory: What will be the kindest thing you do when you’re older? That you thought of as a child?

Fernando: Okay . . . I remember when I was a child that . . . just because I was told that I will forget everything, I made it my mission to never forget anything. To remember it all. And, I say this because I . . . when I was a kid . . . I said, I wanna be a dad that never shouts to their children. Not because my dad was violent or anything, he had his outbursts, but because of other dads at school. All the time, they were really mean to their kids. They would kick them in front of everybody. They would make them cry in front of everybody, They would ground them in front of everybody, and let everyone know that they are grounded and what the punishment was gonna be, or they would reprimand them, letting them know what they did in the past, “Last week you did this, now you’re telling me that!” And I’ve seen so many parents be so mean to their kids, and people at my school. I’ve seen them very sad because of how their parents treated them. That I think that the kindest thing I can do was never forget this, and be somebody that treats good to their children. Because I was told that normally boys grow up to be like their dads. And my dad was not very kind. So I wanted to remember to be kind, and that I was never going to let my emotions become violent and . . . take it out on a kid. So I think the kindest thing I would do when I was a kid was . . . be good to other kids.

_

Gregory: Please answer the next seven questions from your present-day perspective.

Fernando: Okay.

_

8.

Gregory: What will you carry in your suitcase on the day of departure to another planet (literal or symbolic)?

Fernando: [short pause] I would carry a solar panel to charge . . . um . . . I’ve never had a Kindle, but I’ve always wanted to. But if I would go to a different planet, I will take a Kindle with as much books as I can because on this planet, something that I want is just to buy physical books and get them, but I don’t think I can put all of them in a suitcase. So . . . I would get a Kindle with . . . all the books that I can or that I can find. And then . . . a solar charger with it . . . hmm . . . A water bottle, probably. I would go with a camera, um, maybe a Polaroid, or an instant camera that does not require batteries or something like it, and then . . . hmm . . . a hat. A cap to protect from the sun if I go to a different planet that is kind of hot.

Gregory: Mhm.

Fernando: I think I would go with that, and . . . oh! A Swiss knife? That has all these tools? I would also take that. Yes. And something to write. Like a book, a notebook with a pencil and a sharpener. Just in case.

9.

Gregory: How many lives would you like to live?

Fernando: [pause] If I could remember my past life, I would choose just two. Just to have, like, a do-over.

Gregory: Why?

Fernando: Hmm . . . probably because in the first one I would learn a lot, and in the second one I would try to live differently and . . . but always to . . . I would like to maybe check on my past life? As a different person? Like, what happened with the people I left behind? And . . . find maybe uh . . . my grandkid? And . . . be their teacher, or be a friend of them. I think only two lives. Yes, one I can come back to. I think that more than that, it would be really hard to keep track and . . . that would imply a lot of loss as well. So I think I could . . . compare my new life with my past life, and survive the pain of all that I’ve lost, the people that I’ve seen die or are no longer with me, but to look ahead of this new opportunity that I have. And I think I can do that with two, with something that I’m leaving behind, and something new.

10.

Gregory: What should be forgotten, and what should be remembered?

Fernando: [short pause] Hmm . . . I think . . . people that hurt you, should be forgotten. People that . . . love you, should always be remembered. I believe that . . . it’s really hard to forget things, especially if they impacted your life a lot, um . . . and choosing to forget is sometimes tricky? Because that might mean that you are not dealing with that pain or with that trauma that it’s there.

Gregory: Mhm.

Fernando: I believe in overcoming things and using pain to . . . endure or be better, right? Um . . . so I don’t like much forgetting, but if there’s something that I could choose to forget, it is the people that hurt me. Yes. I would just delete them from my life, and because . . . when I meet them, again, I don’t want to show a grudge. I would like them to be scared because “Oh, that’s the guy that I hurt back in the day!” but then realize that I don’t even remember them.

11.

Gregory: What would you like to know?

Fernando: Hmm. [pause] I’d like to know if there’s other life in the galaxy, if that is true. I want to know if we . . . I want to know who’s right. If it’s science, or if it’s religion? I want to . . . know . . . if there’s really only two places to go. If it’s heaven or hell? If it’s really those two, is it real? I wanna know that.

Gregory: Why would you like to know if there is other life out there?

Fernando: Because I want to know how they do it. How they live. And to compare if . . . if it’s the same as here. I think that to fix this planet, it’s going to—I don’t think it’s possible—but we’re already thinking of leaving this planet. So I’d like to know if there’s other civilizations there and to see . . . why they haven’t visited us? Maybe . . . we’re not worth it? Maybe . . . they . . . there’s something in humans that lacks, that we lack, in order to travel the universe? So I want to know what’s their secret? What do we need to do to be a good civilization?

Gregory: Why do you think they are better than us? And why do you think they haven’t visited us already?

Fernando: Hmm . . . I’m not sure if they are better or not, but they have to be different. They have to be different. And if they are similar than us, then humans, we’re just . . . we’re not really significant. And . . . I’d like to . . . to be able to relate to something or to someone that is absolutely . . . that has absolutely different context. That is not here at all, that is not, um . . . that, at least is not evil in a way that I know evil. I wanna know what is evil for them? What is good for them? And. . . and what is a means of power for them as well? Why they haven’t visited us yet? I would like to know that as well. Maybe they’re just like us, and they haven’t developed that technology, or I’m thinking about, I don’t know—I really like Doctor Who, that TV show—so I’m thinking about all those suspicious as well. And I think, maybe they’re already here? But we’re so many people that I don’t think everyone should know or will know everything? That there’s a lot of secrets, there’s a lot of things that we don’t know, there are always people in power and they will manipulate what the rest thinks or knows. And I want to know if, in another planet, they do it like that.

Gregory: Mhm.

Fernando: I want to know if there is another way of living, and also . . . if they . . . if it’s only us . . . if oxygen is the only way to breathe. If there’s actually other people there that do not need it.

Gregory: Let’s talk about the, uh . . . the alternative to heaven and hell. How do you imagine it? What would you like to know about that place?

Fernando: I think, I imagine it that they’re both in the same place. I don’t think there is an “up” and a “down”. I don’t think they’re apart. I think one is a continuation of the other, of the next one. So I imagine that place to be full of light, and really, really white . . . where you see all the people that have been there, and that they already know everything. That you’re getting somewhere where everybody knows the answers to everything, and they’re like: “Ah! You’re new! Let’s speed you up to this.” That’s how I imagine it. Like, there is people that are fully awake. And they know everything, and they’re okay with it, and then you can choose if you wanna go back to a different life, or if you just want to observe. And I think I would maybe choose to observe for a while.

Gregory: Observe?

Fernando: Mhm. The world from death’s perspective. To see the living, and see how they do.

Gregory: Uh-huh. So, afterlife.

Fernando: Yes. I don’t think there is an eternal peace. I don’t think that exists. I think that . . . in the afterlife, or what’s out there, what’s next—I’m gonna find everyone. That you will be aware that things cannot be black or white. It’s always a mix of both. So, it might be a little bit abstract as well, but you will be at peace, you will not be hungry for those answers, you’ll be okay not knowing them.

Gregory: So, you’ll be okay with not knowing them, or will you know all the answers?

Fernando: You will know that . . . some things do not have an answer, and you will not be questioning: “But, there has to be one!”

12.

Gregory: Describe yourself to non-human intelligent life.

Fernando: Hmm. [pause] I am an organism that pumps blood the whole time, and if I stopped pumping blood, I’m going to die. I would describe me as someone that . . . in their brain, there is a lot of knowledge, but also a lot of feelings and . . . in the end, my body is really, really fragile, but my mind is really strong. So I might not be able to fight or survive an attack, but I think that if we talk for a while, I’ll be able to understand what you feel, how you are, and I will try to empathize with you. And coexist.

13.

Gregory: What is in the middle between good and evil?

Fernando: I think that we . . . decisions, maybe. The concept of gray area comes to mind. Things that . . . are not necessarily good, but they must . . . you must accept them. Because it’s part of life. So, right in the middle, I think is, uh . . . it’s the . . . I’m gonna go with the evil-good. I don’t wanna say the good-evil, but the evil-good. All the good things that we have, but you’re aware that you’re human, and if you want power and you are a little bit selfish, you cannot be purely, purely good. So in the middle is like, um . . . a more grounded term for the good. You are a good person. You’re here, but you do have some evil inside. As long as you decide to always try to be good, you will in the end, maybe, reach the “good plane” or something. But, like, right in the middle is the gray area, is the moment where you need to decide how much I can handle of evil, and how much good I need to put there, so I can make this a positive thing in the end. In the middle is this gray area where you need to decide.

Gregory: Mhm.

14.

Gregory: Describe your reality, please.

Fernando: [short pause] Hmm . . . [pause] I think reality, I will describe it when I . . . put everything that I think are not real, things that are in my mind, into . . . stories. Or into things that you can watch and experience. So I really like narrating stories, telling stories, writing them, and creating characters. And . . . as long as these characters can relate to other people, I think that is real. That is reality. And . . . not always thinking about, um . . . showing how to overcome things. I think it’s also important to show that not everything can be fixed, and that reality is something that is very unreal, in a way. That a lot of things happen in our heads, and . . . that, just because it’s in your head, it doesn’t mean that is an imagination. I think that it’s more real than ever because what is in your head stays in your head. It stays forever, and . . . and that makes you feel alive! That makes you feel human. That you are still having feelings, that you can still feel sad, that you are not a robot. So, I think that my reality, I’d describe it like that. Like, uh . . . a constant . . . a constant, um . . . parallel between what is real and tangible, but what is also experienced in my mind.

_

Resilience

Be kind and don’t forget
The vows I made to myself.
Your heart is not plastic.
The end will be fantastic.